How A Dating Girl Loves Her Single Friends

Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So you’ve got a guy. And you like him…a lot. The best part is that he likes you too! But you don’t want to be that friend who ruins her friendships all because she starts dating. So what’s a dating girl to do?

Be intentional about making time for your friends. Sure, this guy is amazing and wonderful and all you want to do it be with him. But he’s not your everything and shouldn’t be your everything. The same way your relationship with him grows by spending time with him, you need to keep your friendships growing by spending time with them. Date your friends. Go out for coffee, plan girl nights on the weekend, and make sure that you aren’t taking them for granted. They are your friends, after all.

Don’t make everything about him. Keep in mind – there is probably nobody who likes him as much as you do. Well, his mom does. And his grandma. But that’s beside the point. Your friends don’t want every conversation that you have to be about him. You are more than your boyfriend. Keep his name to a minimum in your conversations. Here’s a hint – if, in every conversation you have his name comes up, you aren’t really doing a good job with the first point because it means that you are spending all your time with him. Which also brings us to the next point.

Keep your heart centered on Christ. You ain’t married yet, tough girl! And this boy, as great as he is, is not your Savior. So don’t treat him like that. Don’t worship him. Don’t make him out to be more than he is  – a sinner saved by grace who is battling his flesh every day. You will be a better friend if you keep worshiping Jesus and don’t worship him. This includes your time, your thoughts, your energy, your everything!

Listen to your friends. Just because they aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean that they can’t give you advice. Treasure their observations and take to heart their advice. Listen to their wisdom and trust that they have your best interests at heart. This makes them feel valued and will keep you humble.

Build them up. Remember how tough it was for you being single while your friends were dating. Find ways to encourage them, love on them, and let them know they don’t need a guy to make them happy. Show them that, even though you have this boyfriend, you still need them as a friend.

Pray. Daily ask God to help you be a good friend while you date. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, and conviction. Ask Him to open your eyes to where your heart is and where it needs to be. And pray for unity in your friendships.

Question: What kind of friend are you when you are dating? What would your friends say? Do you put as much effort into your friendships as you do into your dating relationship? What can you do to be a better friend?

How A Single Girl Loves Her Dating Friends

Third Wheel (Photo credit: lionsharemovie)

We’ve all been there – that wonderful friend of ours who starts dating and we cringe, knowing things will change in our friendship. And you know what? They will. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Your friendship isn’t contingent upon you both being single. It might feel like your singleness was a big part of your relationship – you both never had plans on the weekends, you both made fun of couples at school, you both always talked about how content you were being single – but it isn’t. A true friendship isn’t based on your relationships with other people. It’s based on the relationship between the two of you. Focus on those things that draw you together and deepen those aspects of your friendships.

Don’t make her feel bad for dating. With all your good intentions about wanting to keep her “grounded” and “focused,” you can actually start to make her feel bad for dating in the first place. Yes, she’s going to talk about him. Yes, she’s going to make plans with him. That doesn’t give you the right to cross your arms, roll your eyes, and sigh with frustration every time his name comes up. Be happy for her! Ask her questions about him. In fact, take the time to get to know him! It will mean so much to your friend.

Keep her accountable. One of the best things single friends can do while they are both single is set up standards for if and when they date. Then, when one of them starts dating, they have someone whose head isn’t in the clouds and can remind them of how they wanted their relationship to look like before there even was a relationship. And that’s where you come in. If you see her struggling and compromising, call her on it. Hold her accountable. You will be a lot more objective than she is. And don’t be that friend who rushes her heart along, talking about how serious they are and the future. Just…please don’t be that girl.

Curb your jealousy. I know you, tough girl. You might tell everyone how happy and content you are being single, but I know you struggle. And nothing makes it worse than when your friend starts dating and you start throwing a major pity party. So what’s the cure? Focus on her instead of on yourself. Focus on loving her and being there for her instead of lamenting, “Why not me?”

Pray for her. Pray that she will stay pure. Pray that her standards will remain high. Pray that she keeps her feet on the ground and her identity secure. Pray that he won’t become her everything. Pray that she will guard her heart. Pray that their relationship will glorify Jesus.

Show her grace. She will have less time for you. There may be a time you’re in the middle of something and he texts her and she forgets all about you. She’s going to be giggly and dramatic and all those things dating girls always are. She isn’t perfect and she never was. And neither are you. So show her grace. Be patient as she navigates the dating world. Be her shoulder to cry on and her enthusiastic cheerleader. And remember…

“…there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24

“A friend loves at all times…” – Proverbs 17:17

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Question: What kind of friend are you to your dating friends? Do you encourage them or harbor too much jealousy and criticalness to be a good friend? Are you keeping them accountable? Are you praying for their relationship?

 

How To Mend A Broken Heart

It happens to the best of us. A relationship that is no more. Be it three years or three months, it still hurts. Sometimes, there isn’t even an “official” relationship – just a hope or a wish that never comes to fruition. Heartbreak hurts. A lot. So what’s a tough girl to do?

Remember: It’s not you, it’s him…and Him. If you’re going to claim that you believe God is totally sovereign and in control and that He’s totally good, then you have to trust His timing and His plans for your day to day life. If that means a break-up, that’s not a bad thing. It’s a God thing. It means God has something else for you right now. You don’t need to beat yourself up, worrying about what you did wrong, what you could have done better, or what you need to change about yourself. Instead, seek the One who made your heart and ask Him to fill it in the way only He can.

Don’t jump on the Horrible Ex train. It’s tempting to want to slam the guy who hurt you. But don’t be that girl. Bite your tongue and hold back all the horrible things you want to say about him, the embarrassing stories you want to share, and that desire to cut him down in front of anyone who will listen. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Don’t idolize him. Like a wounded puppy who seeks approval from the foot that kicked it, too many girls build up ex boyfriends or crushes in their heads and hearts, making him out to be a saintly Adonis. He’s not. No guy is that perfect. And, if you’re not together, he’s not perfect for you. So don’t try and fool yourself into thinking he is.

Don’t try and mend the hurt with another guy. Call it a rebound or whatever. It’s this weird compulsion girls have to get another guy as soon as one is out of their lives. Don’t. Let yourself get over it. Take time to heal and to grow. Enjoy intimate time with Jesus, who is longing to let you know that you don’t need a boyfriend to make you happy. Grow as an individual – as you -  so you will be even stronger in your next relationship. But that takes time.

Make the best of this time. Spend time with your friends. Spend time with your family. Spend time with Jesus. Don’t sit around feeling sad or mad. Enjoy the amazing people God has surrounded you with and allow them a hand in healing your heart.

Above all, forgive. No one is perfect in a relationship. So don’t hold hurt that he caused against him. Forgive. Not for his sake – for yours.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” – Colossians 3:12-13

Question: How do you typically respond to heartbreak? What areas do you struggle to let go of? What do you think God can teach you through your broken heart?

Encouragement For The Single Girl

KJV Bible (Photo credit: knowhimonline)

Trust in God’s timing

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour our your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” – Psalm 62:8

Trust in God’s sovereignty

“Does He not see my ways and number all my steps?” – Job 31:4

“The Lord has made everything for its purpose…” – Proverbs 16:4

“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain…” – 1 Corinthians 15:10

Trust in God’s Plan

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” – 1 Corinthians 7:34-35

 

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This Isn’t A Blog About Boys

Even if I don’t know you, tough girl, I know you.

You like boys. It’s part of our nature. Maybe you’re the type of girl who vocalizes every time a guy catches her attention, your friends struggling to keep straight who it is this week. Or maybe you’re the secret admirer type, pining over cute guys from afar. Or perhaps you’re that girl who claims to not be into anyone right now…which it totally a lie because you totally are.

Regardless of where you fall, this isn’t a blog about boys. Too often even the toughest of girls gets caught up in, “How can I find Mr. Right?” “Why is everyone dating but me?” “Are my standards too high?” “How do I know if he’s date-worthy?”

No, this isn’t a blog about boys. It’s a blog about you.

Imagine if all that time you spent thinking, daydreaming, wishing, hoping, praying, and obsessing was focused on yourself. What if, instead of worrying about finding him you worried about growing you.

“…but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves…” – 1 Peter 3:4-5

Instead of constantly trying to find Mr. Right, spend your time and energy on becoming Miss Right. Worry about being the kind of girl who deserves an amazing guy, not trying to find an amazing guy.

How is your relationship with God? Are you spending time reading your Bible, praying, and going to church? Does your heart beat for Him? Is your passion Christ driven?

How is your relationship with your parents? Are you gracious and respectful, even when you don’t want to be? Are you responsible enough to do your chores and keep your room clean? Have you learned the art of sacrifice and service?

How is your relationship with your friends? Do you practice kindness and discretion? Are your words uplifting? Do your friends know they are important to you? Are you surrounded by people who will lift you up and encourage you in your faith?

How are your relationships with guys? Are you practicing modesty and purity? Do you flirt with every guy you know? Do they see you as a godly woman worth pursing?

God’s timing and ways are perfect. He’ll bring the right guy at the right time. Remember – you only need one guy one time. Until that time, focus on yourself. Focusing on becoming the type of girl who deserves your dream guy.

Question: Are you more concerned with finding the right guy or becoming the right girl? What things help you be patient and content when it seems like everyone around you is dating? What areas of your life do you need to grow in to become more ready to date?

Have You Ever Wondered What Boys Are Thinking?

“What do you think about junior high boys?” a friend of mine asked her thirteen-year-old daughter.

With a glare, she replied. “They’re annoying. And perverted.”

“It’s not any better in high school,” her older sister chimed in.

What’s up with that? How could those creatures who draw so much of your attention and affection also repulse and bug you so much?

Easy – they’re guys. By nature they are different. And by nature, we can’t quite wrap our heads around that.

Tough girl, if this is you, READ THIS BOOK!!!!

For Young Women Only isn’t just a book written by a woman with an opinion about guys. It’s the result of years of research, surveys, and studies to really get what guys are thinking. When you read it, it’s like a light bulb clicks on. “Oh! So that’s why they do that!”

This book will change the way you think about guys. It will change some of those neurotic over-analytical things you think. It will change the way you dress. And it will well up in you a compassion you didn’t even know you had for these guys who are a whole lot more complex than you could have ever imagined.

Get it, tough girl. You won’t be sorry.

How To Be Friends After A Break-Up

Does that sound like an oxymoron? Post break-up friends? Chances are you or someone you know has been really good friends with a guy. Then those feelings grew into feelings and dating commenced. And always with the same declaration, “No matter what happens, we won’t let this ruin our friendship.”

Mistake #1.

Dating in and of itself ruins friendships. If it didn’t do anything to friendships, then it wouldn’t be any different than being friends. So the first step to being friends after a break-up is to know that the friendship won’t look the same, so don’t expect it to.

Okay, so you make the choice to date. Reality check: you’re in high school. The chances of this being your forever relationship are pretty slim. So here comes the break up. It’s his fault. It’s your fault. It’s both of your faults. It’s nobody’s fault. Regardless, you’re broken up. So how can you somehow have some semblance of friendship?

- Hang out it groups. There is so much less pressure and so many less awkward pauses when you’re in groups. And when you’re in the groups, don’t completely ignore each other. Talk. Laugh. Listen. Remember the things you liked about them from the get go.

- Limit your one-on-one’s to people of the same sex. Whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, you don’t want to be that person who looks like you bounce back like a basketball and are already on the prowl. Be above reproach and keep jealousy and hurt at bay by focusing on your girl friends.

- Don’t text. Hardly sounds like something friends do, right? But the last thing you want is the awkward pressure to be funny or carefree through silly texts when it’s not what you’re feeling. So limit your interactions to face-to-face stuff so you both know you’re being genuine.

- Curb the Facebook feast. As soon as your relationship status changes and is announced in all 700 of your friend’s newsfeeds, you know things will explode with, “What happened?” “I’m so sorry!” The last thing your fragile friendship with your ex needs is public attention from everyone and their mom. So, if people start posting stuff on your wall, remove it. Respect him. Respect yourself. Respect your privacy.

- Don’t ignore them. This is probably the hardest part of being friends after a break up. You’re hurt. You don’t want to give your ex the wrong impression. So you avoid them. You change the way you walk to class. Your conversations are limited to one word responses. DON’T DO IT! Even though it’s hard, remember your commitment to stay friends. Forgive. Lay aside your feelings. Sacrifice, work hard, and strive to be friends.

Still need some encouragement that post break-up friendship is possible?

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” – Luke 6:31

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.” – Romans 12:10

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” – Colossians 3:12-14

Question: Where have you seen dating ruin a good friendship? What can you do to help repair it? What can you do to make sure that doesn’t happen again?

The New And Improved You

Chances are, if you struggle in relationships with guys, you struggle in your relationship with, well, you. You probably feel insecure. Desperate for attention. Confused. Unstable. Unsure.

Well, I’m here to tell you that that you is gone! You are a new creation in Christ!

What were you before? Sinner. Screw up. Selfish. Prideful. Lustful. Bound by guilt, shame, and remorse.

Guess what? That you is gone. You’re a new creation. Before you move forward in a relationship with a guy, embrace the new and improved you.

I am God’s child
“But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God” – John 1:12

I am God’s workmanship
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for His good works, which God prepared before hand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:10

I am God’s friend
“No longer do I call you servants…but I have called you friends.” – John 15:15

I am chosen and adopted
“…even has He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will.” – Ephesians 1:4-5

I am loved by God
“By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us…” – 1 John 3:16

I am forgiven by God
“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncirumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This He set aside, nailing it to the cross.” – Colossians 2:13-14

I am complete in Christ
“…and you have been filled in Him, who is the head of all rule and authority.” – Colossians 2:10

I am washed, justified, and sanctified by Christ
“And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” – 1 Corinthians 6:11

I am held forever in God’s hand
“My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” – John 10:29

I am a conqueror
“No, in all these things we are more that conquerors through Him who loved us.” – Romans 8:37

I am born again
“…since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God.” – 1 Peter 1:23

I am at peace with God
“Therefore since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” – Romans 5:1

I am strengthened by Christ
“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

I am unshakable
“I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.” – Psalm 16:8

Let those truths sink in. Bask in the sauna of God’s Word. Let His truth exfoliate you.

Question: Which of these “I am” verses really speaks to you? Is there one that you love that I didn’t include?

What To Do When You Screw Up In A Relationship

Maybe you’re dating someone and things went too far. Or maybe you just have a good guy friend and an awkward pause lead to an even more awkward situation. Maybe it’s neither of those things but you have a friend who has one of these problems.

Relationships are tough enough as it is. Add in crossing physical boundaries and the storm suddenly turns into a tsunami.

So how do you navigate your way out? Where is the healing when the hurt and shame feel larger than life? How can you find forgiveness when your guilt feels insurmountable?

Tough girls, I wish I had all the answers. I certainly don’t. But I do have my own story. Here comes some straight from the heart, totally vulnerable stuff.

I wasn’t a virgin when I got married. I wish that I was. I wish I hadn’t screwed up. I wish I hadn’t compromised. I wish I hadn’t made those mistakes that can never ever be erased.

There was a time when guilt and shame consumed me. I wondered if I would ever find a guy who would love me despite the ten ton baggage I carried. Would he look at me and see the scars that those relationships left behind?

The man that I married is amazing. He’s kind, forgiving, understanding, and compassionate.

But he isn’t the one who healed me.

“Therefore you are a new creation in Christ. The old has gone. The new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Jesus made me new. Not refurbished. Not polished off with a new coat of varnish to cover up the nicks. NEW!!!! The old me is dead!

Ladies, it’s never too late to be made new. There’s no sin, no screw up, no mistake that Jesus can’t remove as he makes you a new creation.

He’s dying to make you new!

He died to make you new. Do you hear that? Do you believe that?

If you’ve screwed up, the first step is confession. Bring it to the Lord. Tell Him that you are sorry and that you know He wants better for you. Then sit and bask in His love and forgiveness.

The second step (and significantly harder) is to stop. Stop screwing up. Stop messing around in ways that bring about shame and guilt. Maybe this means having a DTR with your boyfriend and laying out some clear, uncompromisable boundaries (check out this former post for some amazing ideas). Or it might involve breaking up with him all together. Whatever you need to do to protect the new you, do it. Don’t see how close you can get to the line without crossing over. Turn the other direction, run away from temptation, and run into the arms of God.

What if you do steps 1 and 2 and then screw up again?

Do steps 1 and 2 again. And remember this:

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life…We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.” – Romans 6:1-6

Print it. Post it above your mirror. Tattoo it on your forehead. Pray to Jesus for a hatred for sin and a burning desire for purity.

You are a new creation in Christ. Does your relationship reflect that?

Make sure it does. Today.

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How To Be “Just Friends”

Image by Center for Jewish History, NYC via Flickr

 

If you’re a single kick butt girl, chances are you struggle with this issue when it comes to your guy friends. It’s really hard to not want more with one of them (or, in many cases, more than one of them). You don’t want to like them, but you just can’t help yourself! Here are some tips to help keep your head and heart in check.

Avoid alone time together
When you spend time alone with a guy friend, he seems perfect. Every word he says is deep and godly. He’s a perfect gentlemen. You suddenly forget all those glaring faults that he exhibits when he’s in large groups. If you find yourself falling for him every time it’s just you and him, avoid those times! Make sure you’re always in groups. Let a girl friend know about your struggles so she can be your third when you need it. And never let him drive you home at night. That’s when girls are at their weakest

Don’t make him out to be better than he is
No guy is perfect. If you think he is, you’re kidding yourself. This might seem harsh, but think about that guy you are struggling with and think of his faults. It will really help bring you back to earth. Be real with yourself and recognize the ways you build him up in your mind.

Don’t make him out to be worse than he is
In an incredibly elementary school fashion, I’ve seen way too many girls try and combat their feelings by bad mouthing the guy behind his back. Not only will that not help your raging emotions, it’s mean. So don’t. In fact, avoid talking about him all together. That’s a pretty safe bet to guard your heart

Focus on your girl friends
If you find yourself constantly wanting to hang out with a guy you’re trying to be just friends with, replace it with investing in your girl friends. Text them instead. Initiate time with them instead. Make plans with them instead.

Keep conversations light
Girls fall head over heels for a guy who talks about things like sanctification and predestination with passion. If every time you talk to him, you turn to goo as soon as he busts out some systematic theology, avoid those deep conversations. That’s not to say that you can’t talk about your faith. But keep it light. Recognize your weak spots and protect yourself.

Keep conversations bright
The worst time to hang out with a guy is after ten o’clock at night. Your defenses are down and suddenly everything he says and does has your mind whirling with romantic possibilities. So confine yourself to spending time with him during the day.

Stop the day dreams
If you find your mind drifting to a particular guy that you are fighting feelings for, say a quick prayer for him, then move your thoughts to something else. Pick a verse that you will work on memorizing. Pick some other people to pray for. Text a friend. Read a chapter of a book. Don’t let your mind and heart dwell on him.

Treat him like a friend
Sounds simple, right? But it’s a huge thing! Don’t look at him as a potential husband or boyfriend. Don’t doodle your initials together. Don’t talk to other people about him like the two of you have a super special relationship. Treat him like a friend.

Be patient
Sure, something may happen in the future. But don’t hold your breath. If he’s the guy for you, he will take the first step. He will make things happen. Don’t rush God’s timing. Be patient. Enjoy friendships. Don’t expect more out of him because there never may be…and that’s not a bad thing.

Question: What are some things you’ve found yourself doing that make it harder to be “just friends” with a guy? What are some things you do to help you protect your heart?