How A Single Girl Loves Her Dating Friends

Third Wheel (Photo credit: lionsharemovie)

We’ve all been there – that wonderful friend of ours who starts dating and we cringe, knowing things will change in our friendship. And you know what? They will. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Your friendship isn’t contingent upon you both being single. It might feel like your singleness was a big part of your relationship – you both never had plans on the weekends, you both made fun of couples at school, you both always talked about how content you were being single – but it isn’t. A true friendship isn’t based on your relationships with other people. It’s based on the relationship between the two of you. Focus on those things that draw you together and deepen those aspects of your friendships.

Don’t make her feel bad for dating. With all your good intentions about wanting to keep her “grounded” and “focused,” you can actually start to make her feel bad for dating in the first place. Yes, she’s going to talk about him. Yes, she’s going to make plans with him. That doesn’t give you the right to cross your arms, roll your eyes, and sigh with frustration every time his name comes up. Be happy for her! Ask her questions about him. In fact, take the time to get to know him! It will mean so much to your friend.

Keep her accountable. One of the best things single friends can do while they are both single is set up standards for if and when they date. Then, when one of them starts dating, they have someone whose head isn’t in the clouds and can remind them of how they wanted their relationship to look like before there even was a relationship. And that’s where you come in. If you see her struggling and compromising, call her on it. Hold her accountable. You will be a lot more objective than she is. And don’t be that friend who rushes her heart along, talking about how serious they are and the future. Just…please don’t be that girl.

Curb your jealousy. I know you, tough girl. You might tell everyone how happy and content you are being single, but I know you struggle. And nothing makes it worse than when your friend starts dating and you start throwing a major pity party. So what’s the cure? Focus on her instead of on yourself. Focus on loving her and being there for her instead of lamenting, “Why not me?”

Pray for her. Pray that she will stay pure. Pray that her standards will remain high. Pray that she keeps her feet on the ground and her identity secure. Pray that he won’t become her everything. Pray that she will guard her heart. Pray that their relationship will glorify Jesus.

Show her grace. She will have less time for you. There may be a time you’re in the middle of something and he texts her and she forgets all about you. She’s going to be giggly and dramatic and all those things dating girls always are. She isn’t perfect and she never was. And neither are you. So show her grace. Be patient as she navigates the dating world. Be her shoulder to cry on and her enthusiastic cheerleader. And remember…

“…there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24

“A friend loves at all times…” – Proverbs 17:17

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Question: What kind of friend are you to your dating friends? Do you encourage them or harbor too much jealousy and criticalness to be a good friend? Are you keeping them accountable? Are you praying for their relationship?

 

Are You Two-Faced?

Two-Faced (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s easy to point the finger at our friends when they’re being two-faced, but do you struggle with the same thing? Ask yourself these questions:

Do I find myself more quiet at church than at school? If your conversations are typically filled with gossip, slander, or foul language, you might struggle with having conversations at church because you feel like you need to be on your ‘best behavior.’

Do I have different reputations with different groups of people? When I was in high school, the people at my church thought I was the kindest, friendliest, godliest girl. I wasn’t. And the people at school knew that.

Do I have certain people I hold my tongue around and other people I will say anything to? If you think things that you feel like you shouldn’t say and then proceed to say them around a different group of people, that’s not self-control. That’s being two-faced. If it isn’t appropriate around one group, it probably isn’t appropriate at all.

Would I get embarrassed if certain people heard me in a different situation? I’m not talking about being embarrassed if the guy you’re crushing on overheard you ranting about how cute he is. I’m talking about shame over the things you’re saying or the way you’re acting because you know it is wrong.

Have you had a friend accuse you of being two-faced? Don’t brush it off as them being judgmental or hypocritical. Ask them what they mean. When they explain, don’t try and justify yourself. Really take it to heart.

Question: Where in your life are you tempted to be two-faced? Tell a friend and ask them to keep you accountable.

Dealing With A Two-Faced Friend

Cain interficit Abelem (Photo credit: Nick in exsilio)

 

She’s one way at church. She’s another way at school.

 

She’s one way with you. She’s another way with a different group of friends.

 

Sound familiar?

 

Two-faced friends are inevitable. Ever since Cain kindly asked his little bro to go out with him to a field and then proceeded to brutally murder him, people are one way in one situation and totally different in another.

 

So what’s a tough girl to do? Make some decisions.

 

 

Should you call her out or let it slide?

 

 

Let’s be honest – none of us are perfect. We all struggle with gossip, slander, and people-pleasing. While that’s not an excuse for any of those bad behaviors, it should always cause us to stop and pause when we’re judging someone for being two-faced. Is it a small situation? Is it because she’s nervous? Would you do the same thing in a similar situation?

 

 

On the other hand, if it is  something you know she should know better or you know she wouldn’t do if her pastor or parents were there, call her out on it. Be bold and be willing to hold her accountable. Maybe she doesn’t realize she’s compromising so much. Or maybe nobody has ever been willing to speak up before. But, when it’s done in love and out of concern, it’s called being a good friend.

 

 

Should you harp on her about it or sit back and pray for her?

 

 

Let’s say you’ve confronted her about her duplicity and nothing changes. Maybe she needs reminding. Maybe she needs a kick in the butt. Maybe she needs you to nag, glare, or grab her by the face and point out what she’s doing wrong.

 

 

Or maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe she needs time to change. Maybe you need to pray for her as she works through her issues, even if you cringe every time you see her stumble. How do you know the difference between these two? She knows she needs to change and is willing to admit when she’s messed up and fallen back into old patterns.

 

 

Should you continue on in the friendship or give her an ultimatum?

 

 

Again, we’re all sinners who screw up. If you have a two-faced friend who keeps doing the same thing but really and truly is sorry, if she really and truly wants to change, and if she is making tiny little steps toward becoming better, then stick it out. Stay by her side, carry her along when she’s limping, and keep her accountable.

 

However, if you’ve confronted her about her duplicity and you see no change, if it seems like she’s a brick wall that you’re just banging your head against, it might be time to take a break. Let her know that you love her but that you can’t be close to a person that you don’t feel like you can trust. It will be hard and probably very awkward, but you don’t have to subject yourself to that kind of person on a daily basis.

 

Regardless of where your two-faced friend is at, pray for her. Pray long, pray hard, pray humbly.

 

Question: What issues have you had with two-faced friends? Was she willing to change, or did you have to let the friendship go? Have you had victory over being two-faced?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learn To Be His Friend

Here’s how it typically works:

1) Meet a new guy.

2) Realize he’s cute.

3) Find out he’s Christian.

4) Find out he’s single.

5) Start planning your wedding.

This happens way more often than I’m sure you’d like to admit, tough girl. It’s difficult to not view every half decent guy that you meet as potential marriage material.

The problem? Girls can build up a guy in their hearts and minds within a week of meeting them. And these poor guys are completely clueless.

Can you imagine what he’d do if he got a glimpse into how far you’ve taken your “relationship” in your head? Let me give you a hint. It involves backing away slowly. Then running like crazy.

Tough girl, one the best skills you can learn in life is how to be a guy’s friend.

Learn to slow your heart down. Girls go from zero to obsessive in about one second. Slow it down! Just because he’s cute and Christian doesn’t mean he’s the one to put a ring on it. Remind yourself that you don’t want to waste any of your heart passion on a guy who isn’t the one. And, despite what every Disney movie tells you, you don’t know he’s “the one” the instant you meet him.

Learn to balance your time with him. As girls obsess over boys, they tend to want to be around them all the time. You know who you are. You figure out where he will be during the school day and change your route to be there too. Any time a group is getting something together, you make sure he’s going to be there. It gets to be that you don’t want to do anything or be anywhere if he isn’t there. Stop it! If you want to think about him less, spend less time with him, texting him, Facebook stalking him, or even regular stalking him.

Learn to stop talking about him. As girls obsess over boys, they talk about them. All. The. Time. If in every story you tell his name pops up, you are being both obsessive and annoying. It means he’s on your mind way more than he should be. So curb the stories you tell about him. Just because they make you feel closer to him doesn’t mean you actually are.

Learn to see him for who he is. When a girl likes a guy, he becomes close to perfect in her head. That’s a lot of pressure on him. No guy can live up to the perfect image of him you’ve build up in your head. Recognize his faults and short comings. Let them annoy you a little. It will help you keep your heart from going overboard.

Learn to let go of your claim on him. One of the worst things a girl can do is start to think of a guy as hers when he’s not. Suddenly you find yourself jealous and bitter toward other girls who are friends with him. Tough girl, he’s not yours. His attention, affection, and time have nothing to do with  you. He can spend as much time as he wants with his boys. He can have other friends that are girls. If your heart is aching because you see him in the halls laughing with another girl, you’ve got to let that go.

Learn to enjoy being friends. If time spent with him feels strained because you’re reading into everything he says, trying to figure out the meaning behind every word he says and look he gives, you’re not being a good friend. Let him be him. Guys are not at ALL subtle. They either like you or they don’t. If he hasn’t come right out and said it, then don’t obsess over whether he does or doesn’t. Stick with doesn’t. That makes it so much easier to just enjoy him as a friend.

The right guy is out there for you. And, when he comes your way, he will do the work of romancing you and winning you over. Until that time, just enjoy this time of being friends with the guys you know.

How To Win Friends and Influence People For Jesus

Jesus is So Cool (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We’re all suckers for hype. That’s why it’s called hype. People go all crazy over something or someone and, pretty soon, we’re wanting to know what the big deal is. So we read the book, see the movie, visit the place, eat the food, or do the thing that they’re all doing.

So…do you get people hyped up about Jesus? Here’s some ideas how.

Rock The Jesus Music. I will admit, I don’t always listen to Christian music. I find a lot of it sounds like something that would be played in an elevator. Or like something my mom would listen to. Or like something my mom would listen to in an elevator. All that said and done, there is a lot of good Christian music out there, too. So, when you find it, blast it. Play it all the time and talk about why you like it so much. Sing. Dance. Worship. If you know me, you know there’s no denying how much I love Switchfoot and The Supertones. I get people listening to it. And then we talk about it. And then they think about it. And then they think about Him.

Rock The Jesus Books. I read my Bible almost every day. I have one sitting on my coffee table, one in my car, a digital one on my iPod, and about five on my bookshelf. They are torn, tattered, coffee-stained, and falling apart. But there’s no denying that there’s much Bible love in my house. Don’t you love talking to people about what you’re reading? And for me it’s not just the Bible, but Christian books! (Summer Intensive, anyone?) I read biographies, spiritual growth, theology, and (my favorite) Christian fiction. I want to be as hyped up about Christian books as I am about The Hunger Games. Are you?

Rock The Jesus Clothes. No, I’m not talking about cheesy Christian T-shirts with a Coke logo that says a Bible verse (sorry if you own that shirt…just a matter of preference.) It’s more about modesty. Dress well and dress excellently. Cute tops that don’t show skin. A skirt or a pair of shorts that no one could call too short. Jeans that don’t hug in all the right places. Show off your beauty without showing off your body. And when you walk around all fabulous and confident, people will notice there is something different about you. And you can tell them why.

Rock The Jesus Talk. Yes, quoting Scripture is good. But Jesus is big into using love. Kindness. Encouragement. Forgiveness. Joy. Use your words to love people in the name of Jesus. Be a listening ear and an encouraging friend. Don’t gossip, slander, or complain. Instead, use kindness, thoughtfulness, and humor to make yourself (and Jesus) the kind of person that people want to be around.

Rock The Jesus Walk. Your attitude speaks volumes. The way you respond when your parents and teachers ask you for something. The way you drive. The way you react in the midst of conflict. The way you spend your time. Each moment you are around other people is a chance to influence them for Christ. Are you?

Question: How are you influencing your family and friends for Christ? How can you do it better? Which one of these is the easiest for you? Which one is the hardest?

Prideful Pat and Humble Hannah

 

Starbucks at West Coast Plaza, Singapore (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is the tale of Pat and Hannah – the very best of friends.

They hung out every day at school and always slept over on weekends.

Pat was as tall as Hannah was short, and they both had hair of brown.

Same classes, same sports, same church, same friends…their lives were tightly bound.

There came a point in their friendship, though, where tensions arose quite high.

It all began at Starbucks with talks about a guy.

“He’s bad news,” quipped Hannah, “And you’re so much better than that.”

“But he’s nice and funny and hot. And I like him,” stated a frustrated Pat.

“You told me your standards are higher, so why would you change them now?”

“Who are you to tell me who to date? It’s not something for you to allow!”

“I’m your friend,” said Hannah sweetly, “and I care about you a lot.

You deserve so much better. And ‘good enough’ is what you’ve got.”

With her temperature rising like a latte, her face turning shades of red,

Pat could feel the hair rising up on top of her tall, pony-tailed head.

“You’re always on my case, telling me what I’m doing wrong.

Your shorts are too short, your words are too mean, your Bible reading isn’t long.

I like my clothes, I like my guy, and my words are good enough I think

How would you like if I told you how much I think you stink?”

“If you have something to say, then say it,” said Hannah in an even tone.

Pat gave a laugh and a shake of her head, “Okay, well don’t start to groan.

You wear yoga pants that make guys think all kinds of lustful things.

You spend way too much money on iTunes, fast food, and earrings.

You may not gossip, but I often spy you listening in on it.

And the texts you send to guys at night aren’t always legit.”

Hannah’s eyes opened wide as she sat back, feeling like she’d been slapped.

Then she smiled, tears in her eyes, saying, “Thank you, Pat, for that.

Thank you for helping me to change and be a better girl.

Thank you for your honesty, and for rocking my little world.

I want to glorify God in everything I do.

But sometimes I slip up – and I need a friend like you.

Someone to remind me of who I want to be.

Of how I want to talk and my pledge toward modesty.

I need you in my life to steer me in the right way.

Even if I don’t always like what you have to say.”

Pat blinked once, then twice, then blinked three times more.

“Wait…I just laid into you. Hard. Aren’t you feeling sore?”

“It hurts, that’s true, and I don’t like that you see those things in me.

But how will I get better if I don’t listen to what you see?”

Pat took a breath as she took a sip of tea, narrowing her eyes.

What was up with Hannah? Where was her sense of pride?

What prideful Pat didn’t see and what she failed to grasp

Was humble Hannah’s teachable spirit, clay in the Father’s hands.

They left Starbucks that day, one high and one feeling kinda low.

Hannah hugged Pat once more before they had to go.

“Thank you, friend, for your honesty – and for not holding back.

I’m going to try and do better – you can count on that.”

Pat watched Hannah go, feeling lower by the minute.

How could Hannah be happy? She must not really get it.

Then she looked down at her shorts – pretty short, she had to say.

Maybe I should stop and change before I go on my way.

As I end this tale, my friends, my question is for you

If you were sitting at Starbucks with them, what would you do?

Would you be like Pat – bristling up at Hannah’s truthful honesty?

Or would you be like Hannah, sitting and humbly listening?

We’re none of us perfect and we mess up so very much of the time

But are you at those moments teachable? Or do you cling to selfish pride?

You can have friends who only say nice things, no matter what you say or do.

Or someone who sticks closer than a brother, always saying what is true.

Decide today what kind of friend that you would like to be

And make sure you have someone in your life who tells you what you need.

 

 

 

 

 

When It’s Good To Be A Bad Friend

Swords (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you have stupid friends?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure all your friends are lovely and wonderful and oh-so-fun to be around. But we all have moments where we look at them – maybe it’s something they say or something they do – and we think, “Really?”

It’s times like these when it’s good to be a bad friend.

Your friends don’t always need you to make them feel better. It’s not your job to 24/7 laden then with compliments and uplifting cheers of, “Hey, it’s okay!” Because sometimes it’s not okay…and they need to hear that.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17

Iron sharpening iron isn’t a nice, sweet, painless process. It’s friction. It’s sparks. It’s the cutting away of things to make the final product even better.

Are her shorts too short? Tell her.

Is she wasting time and affection on a guy not worthy of her? Tell her.

Has laziness crept in and robbed her of the amazing life God wants her to have? Tell her.

Are her priorities out of whack? Tell her.

Are gossip and slander way too common in her conversations? Tell her.

Tell her, tell her, tell her.

Don’t be afraid to hurt her feelings – because you probably will. But sometimes, that’s what friends have to do. We have to lay aside our desire to be liked and well thought of and put it on the line because we care about our sister more than we care about ourselves.

Question: Who in your life could use sharpening right now? What’s holding you back from telling them? How can you confront them in a way that is loving and shows that you are doing it for their good?

Proverbs 31 – Kick Butt Edition

A kick butt tough girl who can find?

She is far more precious than the latest iPhone.

The heart of all guys trusts in her

Because she dresses with modest style.

She does them good and not harm

Treating them like brothers in Christ.

She works hard at everything she does

And helps out without being asked

She is like that awesome book series turned into a movie

Everyone wants to see her

She rises even when she’s tired

And cares more about spending time with Jesus than sleeping in

She isn’t wasteful with money

And prides herself on being content with less

She isn’t all about “stuff”

And would much rather give than receive

When she starts something, she finishes

Unless it’s a craft that got way too hard and out of control

She opens her hand to whoever needs it

And could care less about popularity

She is not afraid of photos, Facebooks, and text messages

Because her life isn’t ruled by them.

She covers herself while swimming in public

And can bend over while wearing shorts and not be embarrassed.

Her reputation is spread all over school

Of being kind, generous, joyful, and fun.

She makes friends and keeps them

Even when they drive her crazy.

Strength and dignity are her clothing

She could take out a ninja without breaking a sweat.

She opens her mouth with wisdom

And actually knows what she’s talking about.

She looks well in the eyes of her household

Because she’s also kick butt to her parents and siblings.

Her friends rise up and call her blessed

Because she’s there for them, keeps them accountable, and is a good friend.

Many girls have done excellently,

But you surpass them all.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a kick butt tough girl who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Give her a hug, a pat on the back, or a finger sizzle

Because she makes Jesus smile by how she lives.

 

What Your Friends Say About You

“Well, if Kristen jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?”

Ah, yes. The ultimate mom “Duh!” quote. As if you would actually hang out with people who jumped off bridges for fun!

Your whole life, you’ve been told to be cautious of who you are friends with. Your parents warn you. TV spots portray a happy-go-lucky girl who, because of associating with the wrong crowd, travels down a dark and bumpy road and ends up pregnant and on crack.

Maybe Kristen jumping off the bridge isn’t such a bad influence after all.

But there is something to be said about friends and what they say about you. The people you spend the most time with reflect on you and your reputation.

So, what do your friends say about you?

 

The Band/Choir/Drama/Club Crowd

The Pro’s: You are a geek, through and through. You do what you love and you love what you do. You could care less about being part of the popular crowd because you love that you’re around people who are as passionate about what you do as you are. It’s not that you’re exclusive. It’s just that you know no one gets you like these people do.

The Con’s: The thought of branching out beyond this friend group slightly terrifies you because rejection from outsiders seems unavoidable.

The Solution: Spread the geek love! You may get laughed at. You may get rejected. Or you may come across some folks who, while totally different than you, seriously love your quirkiness.

The Sports Crowd

The Pro’s: Dedication. Passion. Perseverance. To say you are driven is an understatement. You love to compete and love to win. Every day is a challenge waiting to be conquered.

The Con’s: Competitiveness can lead to superficiality. Maybe it’s because you feel like you need to be better than people around you. Or maybe it’s because you fear “losing” some of your reputation and status.

The Solution: Be real. Whatever that means for you, be real. Show some weakness and humanity. Show that you don’t have it all together. It will make others around you feel like you are so much more approachable.

 

The Fringe Crowd

Pro’s: You aren’t living your  life to please men. Who cares if over half your class wouldn’t be able to pick you out of a line up? You have a couple of friends and you all feel the same way.

Con’s: Sometimes being so carefree can make you seem careless when it comes to people. The attitude of saying you don’t need people makes them feel rejected and unwanted.

The Solution: Try mixing it up a bit. Be on the fringe but be inviting to people who maybe don’t have anyone. Do intentional things to show people that you care and that you don’t think you’re too cool for them.

 

The Church Crowd

Pro’s: You love being around your sisters and brothers in Christ. Nothing makes you happier than knowing you all have the same standards. You can tell it like it is, totally trust each other, and pray for one another at the drop of a pin. You don’t have to worry about bad language or immodesty.

Con’s: You look exclusive. You look like people have to shape up and change before they can be your friend (totally not a Jesus thing) If someone isn’t a Christian, they feel like they can’t be close to you.

The Solution: Make it a point to reach out and spend time with non-Christians (without compromising). Show them that you care about them and find their friendship valuable. If you can’t think of at least one person who is somewhat close to you and non a Christian, you need to branch out.

Who you are surround by says a lot about who you are.

“A man’s growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Question: What kind of crowd do you fall into? What would people who only saw you with your friends think about the kind of person you are? How can you make sure you are loving God and loving people in your friend groups?

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What Is Your Friendship Reputation?

 

If I were to go to your school or your work place and ask people what they think about you, what would they say?

“She’s so nice!”

“She always seems too busy to talk to me.”

“What a sweet girl! She’s so thoughtful.”

“I don’t think she likes me.”

“We used to be close, but not anymore.”

“Who are you talking about?”

Like it or not, you have a reputation. And, like it or not, you have done things to deserve that reputation. And one of your biggest reputation builders/destroyers is the kind of friend you are.

Are you faithful? Patient? Forgiving? Long-suffering? Thoughtful? Generous?

Are you flaky? Inconsistent? Moody? Exclusive? Spread so thing that you can’t give fully to anyone?

The book of Proverbs has so much to say on the topic of friendship. Here are just a couple of verses:

 

“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisper separates close friends.” – Proverbs 16:28

-Are you a gossipy type friend? Do you repeat things you shouldn’t? Do people feel like they can trust you?

 

“Whoever covers and offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” – Proverbs 17:9

-Are you forgiving? Or are you known for holding a grudge and painting people in a bad light?

 

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17

-Are you there for your friends, no matter what? Do you go out of your way to support them and love them when they need it?

 

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24

-Are you faithful? Can you be counted on no matter what? Or are you too busy and spread thin to be a good friend?

 

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man.” – Proverbs 22:24

-Do you have a temper? Are friends afraid to be real with you because they fear your reaction?

 

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6

-Are you willing to speak the truth in love? Would you confront a friend on something hard and stick by their side as they figure things out?

 

“Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend…” – Proverbs 27:10

-Do you go through friends like a pack of gum? Have you had a new “best friend” every year?

 

Friends are precious. Too often we get caught up in what they do for us instead of thinking about what we can give to them.

Question: What kind of friend would people say you are? Are there friends you have hurt in the past that you need to apologize to and seek reconciliation with? Are there friends in your life now that you can be a better friend to?

 

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