How A Dating Girl Loves Her Single Friends

Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So you’ve got a guy. And you like him…a lot. The best part is that he likes you too! But you don’t want to be that friend who ruins her friendships all because she starts dating. So what’s a dating girl to do?

Be intentional about making time for your friends. Sure, this guy is amazing and wonderful and all you want to do it be with him. But he’s not your everything and shouldn’t be your everything. The same way your relationship with him grows by spending time with him, you need to keep your friendships growing by spending time with them. Date your friends. Go out for coffee, plan girl nights on the weekend, and make sure that you aren’t taking them for granted. They are your friends, after all.

Don’t make everything about him. Keep in mind – there is probably nobody who likes him as much as you do. Well, his mom does. And his grandma. But that’s beside the point. Your friends don’t want every conversation that you have to be about him. You are more than your boyfriend. Keep his name to a minimum in your conversations. Here’s a hint – if, in every conversation you have his name comes up, you aren’t really doing a good job with the first point because it means that you are spending all your time with him. Which also brings us to the next point.

Keep your heart centered on Christ. You ain’t married yet, tough girl! And this boy, as great as he is, is not your Savior. So don’t treat him like that. Don’t worship him. Don’t make him out to be more than he is  – a sinner saved by grace who is battling his flesh every day. You will be a better friend if you keep worshiping Jesus and don’t worship him. This includes your time, your thoughts, your energy, your everything!

Listen to your friends. Just because they aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean that they can’t give you advice. Treasure their observations and take to heart their advice. Listen to their wisdom and trust that they have your best interests at heart. This makes them feel valued and will keep you humble.

Build them up. Remember how tough it was for you being single while your friends were dating. Find ways to encourage them, love on them, and let them know they don’t need a guy to make them happy. Show them that, even though you have this boyfriend, you still need them as a friend.

Pray. Daily ask God to help you be a good friend while you date. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, and conviction. Ask Him to open your eyes to where your heart is and where it needs to be. And pray for unity in your friendships.

Question: What kind of friend are you when you are dating? What would your friends say? Do you put as much effort into your friendships as you do into your dating relationship? What can you do to be a better friend?

How A Single Girl Loves Her Dating Friends

Third Wheel (Photo credit: lionsharemovie)

We’ve all been there – that wonderful friend of ours who starts dating and we cringe, knowing things will change in our friendship. And you know what? They will. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Your friendship isn’t contingent upon you both being single. It might feel like your singleness was a big part of your relationship – you both never had plans on the weekends, you both made fun of couples at school, you both always talked about how content you were being single – but it isn’t. A true friendship isn’t based on your relationships with other people. It’s based on the relationship between the two of you. Focus on those things that draw you together and deepen those aspects of your friendships.

Don’t make her feel bad for dating. With all your good intentions about wanting to keep her “grounded” and “focused,” you can actually start to make her feel bad for dating in the first place. Yes, she’s going to talk about him. Yes, she’s going to make plans with him. That doesn’t give you the right to cross your arms, roll your eyes, and sigh with frustration every time his name comes up. Be happy for her! Ask her questions about him. In fact, take the time to get to know him! It will mean so much to your friend.

Keep her accountable. One of the best things single friends can do while they are both single is set up standards for if and when they date. Then, when one of them starts dating, they have someone whose head isn’t in the clouds and can remind them of how they wanted their relationship to look like before there even was a relationship. And that’s where you come in. If you see her struggling and compromising, call her on it. Hold her accountable. You will be a lot more objective than she is. And don’t be that friend who rushes her heart along, talking about how serious they are and the future. Just…please don’t be that girl.

Curb your jealousy. I know you, tough girl. You might tell everyone how happy and content you are being single, but I know you struggle. And nothing makes it worse than when your friend starts dating and you start throwing a major pity party. So what’s the cure? Focus on her instead of on yourself. Focus on loving her and being there for her instead of lamenting, “Why not me?”

Pray for her. Pray that she will stay pure. Pray that her standards will remain high. Pray that she keeps her feet on the ground and her identity secure. Pray that he won’t become her everything. Pray that she will guard her heart. Pray that their relationship will glorify Jesus.

Show her grace. She will have less time for you. There may be a time you’re in the middle of something and he texts her and she forgets all about you. She’s going to be giggly and dramatic and all those things dating girls always are. She isn’t perfect and she never was. And neither are you. So show her grace. Be patient as she navigates the dating world. Be her shoulder to cry on and her enthusiastic cheerleader. And remember…

“…there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24

“A friend loves at all times…” – Proverbs 17:17

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Question: What kind of friend are you to your dating friends? Do you encourage them or harbor too much jealousy and criticalness to be a good friend? Are you keeping them accountable? Are you praying for their relationship?

 

This Isn’t A Blog About Boys

Even if I don’t know you, tough girl, I know you.

You like boys. It’s part of our nature. Maybe you’re the type of girl who vocalizes every time a guy catches her attention, your friends struggling to keep straight who it is this week. Or maybe you’re the secret admirer type, pining over cute guys from afar. Or perhaps you’re that girl who claims to not be into anyone right now…which it totally a lie because you totally are.

Regardless of where you fall, this isn’t a blog about boys. Too often even the toughest of girls gets caught up in, “How can I find Mr. Right?” “Why is everyone dating but me?” “Are my standards too high?” “How do I know if he’s date-worthy?”

No, this isn’t a blog about boys. It’s a blog about you.

Imagine if all that time you spent thinking, daydreaming, wishing, hoping, praying, and obsessing was focused on yourself. What if, instead of worrying about finding him you worried about growing you.

“…but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves…” – 1 Peter 3:4-5

Instead of constantly trying to find Mr. Right, spend your time and energy on becoming Miss Right. Worry about being the kind of girl who deserves an amazing guy, not trying to find an amazing guy.

How is your relationship with God? Are you spending time reading your Bible, praying, and going to church? Does your heart beat for Him? Is your passion Christ driven?

How is your relationship with your parents? Are you gracious and respectful, even when you don’t want to be? Are you responsible enough to do your chores and keep your room clean? Have you learned the art of sacrifice and service?

How is your relationship with your friends? Do you practice kindness and discretion? Are your words uplifting? Do your friends know they are important to you? Are you surrounded by people who will lift you up and encourage you in your faith?

How are your relationships with guys? Are you practicing modesty and purity? Do you flirt with every guy you know? Do they see you as a godly woman worth pursing?

God’s timing and ways are perfect. He’ll bring the right guy at the right time. Remember – you only need one guy one time. Until that time, focus on yourself. Focusing on becoming the type of girl who deserves your dream guy.

Question: Are you more concerned with finding the right guy or becoming the right girl? What things help you be patient and content when it seems like everyone around you is dating? What areas of your life do you need to grow in to become more ready to date?

How To Be Friends After A Break-Up

Does that sound like an oxymoron? Post break-up friends? Chances are you or someone you know has been really good friends with a guy. Then those feelings grew into feelings and dating commenced. And always with the same declaration, “No matter what happens, we won’t let this ruin our friendship.”

Mistake #1.

Dating in and of itself ruins friendships. If it didn’t do anything to friendships, then it wouldn’t be any different than being friends. So the first step to being friends after a break-up is to know that the friendship won’t look the same, so don’t expect it to.

Okay, so you make the choice to date. Reality check: you’re in high school. The chances of this being your forever relationship are pretty slim. So here comes the break up. It’s his fault. It’s your fault. It’s both of your faults. It’s nobody’s fault. Regardless, you’re broken up. So how can you somehow have some semblance of friendship?

- Hang out it groups. There is so much less pressure and so many less awkward pauses when you’re in groups. And when you’re in the groups, don’t completely ignore each other. Talk. Laugh. Listen. Remember the things you liked about them from the get go.

- Limit your one-on-one’s to people of the same sex. Whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, you don’t want to be that person who looks like you bounce back like a basketball and are already on the prowl. Be above reproach and keep jealousy and hurt at bay by focusing on your girl friends.

- Don’t text. Hardly sounds like something friends do, right? But the last thing you want is the awkward pressure to be funny or carefree through silly texts when it’s not what you’re feeling. So limit your interactions to face-to-face stuff so you both know you’re being genuine.

- Curb the Facebook feast. As soon as your relationship status changes and is announced in all 700 of your friend’s newsfeeds, you know things will explode with, “What happened?” “I’m so sorry!” The last thing your fragile friendship with your ex needs is public attention from everyone and their mom. So, if people start posting stuff on your wall, remove it. Respect him. Respect yourself. Respect your privacy.

- Don’t ignore them. This is probably the hardest part of being friends after a break up. You’re hurt. You don’t want to give your ex the wrong impression. So you avoid them. You change the way you walk to class. Your conversations are limited to one word responses. DON’T DO IT! Even though it’s hard, remember your commitment to stay friends. Forgive. Lay aside your feelings. Sacrifice, work hard, and strive to be friends.

Still need some encouragement that post break-up friendship is possible?

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” – Luke 6:31

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.” – Romans 12:10

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” – Colossians 3:12-14

Question: Where have you seen dating ruin a good friendship? What can you do to help repair it? What can you do to make sure that doesn’t happen again?

The Best Of Video Viernes

Okay, so I don’t know if this is statistically the most popular video posted, but it’s pretty much one of my favorite videos ever. So enjoy…again

AWESOME video someone shared with me. I think this girl is my new hero. Be sure and check out her blog here!

Originally posted January 7, 2011

What To Do When You Screw Up In A Relationship

Maybe you’re dating someone and things went too far. Or maybe you just have a good guy friend and an awkward pause lead to an even more awkward situation. Maybe it’s neither of those things but you have a friend who has one of these problems.

Relationships are tough enough as it is. Add in crossing physical boundaries and the storm suddenly turns into a tsunami.

So how do you navigate your way out? Where is the healing when the hurt and shame feel larger than life? How can you find forgiveness when your guilt feels insurmountable?

Tough girls, I wish I had all the answers. I certainly don’t. But I do have my own story. Here comes some straight from the heart, totally vulnerable stuff.

I wasn’t a virgin when I got married. I wish that I was. I wish I hadn’t screwed up. I wish I hadn’t compromised. I wish I hadn’t made those mistakes that can never ever be erased.

There was a time when guilt and shame consumed me. I wondered if I would ever find a guy who would love me despite the ten ton baggage I carried. Would he look at me and see the scars that those relationships left behind?

The man that I married is amazing. He’s kind, forgiving, understanding, and compassionate.

But he isn’t the one who healed me.

“Therefore you are a new creation in Christ. The old has gone. The new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Jesus made me new. Not refurbished. Not polished off with a new coat of varnish to cover up the nicks. NEW!!!! The old me is dead!

Ladies, it’s never too late to be made new. There’s no sin, no screw up, no mistake that Jesus can’t remove as he makes you a new creation.

He’s dying to make you new!

He died to make you new. Do you hear that? Do you believe that?

If you’ve screwed up, the first step is confession. Bring it to the Lord. Tell Him that you are sorry and that you know He wants better for you. Then sit and bask in His love and forgiveness.

The second step (and significantly harder) is to stop. Stop screwing up. Stop messing around in ways that bring about shame and guilt. Maybe this means having a DTR with your boyfriend and laying out some clear, uncompromisable boundaries (check out this former post for some amazing ideas). Or it might involve breaking up with him all together. Whatever you need to do to protect the new you, do it. Don’t see how close you can get to the line without crossing over. Turn the other direction, run away from temptation, and run into the arms of God.

What if you do steps 1 and 2 and then screw up again?

Do steps 1 and 2 again. And remember this:

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life…We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.” – Romans 6:1-6

Print it. Post it above your mirror. Tattoo it on your forehead. Pray to Jesus for a hatred for sin and a burning desire for purity.

You are a new creation in Christ. Does your relationship reflect that?

Make sure it does. Today.

Related articles

• Five Minute Friday: New (fightlikegirls.wordpress.com)
• ground level at the cross (restoringthesplendor.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness Is More Than Relieving Guilt (paulstohler.com)

Do You Treat Guys Like Meat?

Image via Wikipedia

 

Your answer is, “No, of course not!” But think about it for just a minute.

Something all girls hate is feeling lusted after. Having a guy you don’t know whistle at you when you walk by. Or that jerk in English who looks everywhere but your face. You hate when guys talk about girls like we exist just for their pleasure.

And girls never do that…do we?

What’s your first thought when you meet a nice guy? Or a cute guy? Or, worst of all, a nice, cute, Christian guy? I’d wager to bet it isn’t something totally innocent and friendship based. From zero to sixty in half a second, most girls go from “Hello” to thinking about dating. Is he “the one?” Does he have a girlfriend? What can I do to let him know I’m interested? Wait…what was his name again?

Tough girl, stop it! I’m not here to give some lecture on how those guys are your brothers in Christ or that they could be someone else’s future husband. I’m saying stop because that’s just weird!

No girl wants to feel like a guy is lusting after her. And, while wanting to date isn’t exactly lusting, it straight up scares guys when they see a girl moving that fast mentally.

If your mind moves that fast, I guarantee that actions will soon follow. Being the one who initiates texts. Stalking him on Facebook. Sitting by him whenever you can. Pursuing him. Right off the bat, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’re taking the reigns out of his hands and setting the standard that you are the one making things happen. That will leave you with two things: a relationship where a guy doesn’t peruse you because he doesn’t think he has to since you’ve done all the work or it will leave you with reigns in your hand and no horse because your guy just ran away screaming.

Next time you meet or a new guy, or even if this brought to mind guys you know now and have gone down this path with, slow down! Take a deep breath, calm that insane brain of yours, and get your emotions in check. If he’s a guy that God has for you, He and he (God and guy) will make it happen. Don’t torture yourself with letting your feelings run wild. You’re a sinner, remember?

Question: What kind of guy makes you lose all sense of sanity and reason? What steps could you take to slow yourself down?

Video Viernes #54

Video is simple – just music and lyrics. But I guarantee that either you or a friend of yours needs to hear this song…

The One Line Standard For Who You Should Date

When it comes to the opposite sex, what are your standards in regards to who you throw back and who you try to reel in?

Does he have to look a certain way? Maybe he needs to be athletic or musical. Does he have to be smart? Like the same music and movies as you? Does he need to have a job?

While the Bible doesn’t give you standards for who you should date (since dating didn’t happen in those days), there are standards for how people of certain ages should behave. My guess is, if a guy falls into Biblical standards, he’s worth giving a second glance.

So, what’s the huge, long, mighty list?

“Urge the younger men to be self-controlled.” – Titus 2:6

 

Wait…that’s it? That’s the standard? One thing?

Let me tell you, if he is self-controlled the way the Bible wants him to be, he’s a pretty amazing guy! Let’s get a little more specific:

“Let no one despise you for your youth, but set believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” – 1 Timothy 4:12

Is he self-controlled in speech?

Does he use a lot of bad language? Is he always talking back or has to keep arguing till he proves he is right? Does his speech show respect to teachers, parents, and women? Is he a gossip or a slanderer?

Is he self-controlled in conduct?

What is his reputation? Does he burn through money or is materialistic? Is he lazy? Is he a good student? Is he willing to give up his time to help others? Is he a good friend?

Is he self-controlled in love?

Does he only give to people who can give him something in return? Is he sacrificial and servant-like, or selfish and self centered? Does every thing he say start with “I” or does he ask you questions about you?

Is he self-controlled in faith?

Is church a priority? Does he read his Bible? Is his faith more than just a title and a bumper sticker? Is he at the point in his relationship with Jesus that he can teach you? Is he working to get there?

Is he self-controlled in purity?

Does he date a lot? What do other girls say about him? How does he treat women? Is he a flirt? What kind of stuff does he watch on TV? What kind of apps are on his phone?

It may be one standard, but it has huge implications. Self-control. Set it high and stick with it till your Prince Charming comes riding in, with his life in check.

Godly Affection

This is Sierra, a kick butt girl I know who recently started dating a guy who has been her best friend for quite a while. Understandably, she doesn’t want to mess it up. Add into that the fact that this is Sierra’s first relationship since becoming a Christian and, well, she really doesn’t want to screw it up. So she wrote this, which was actually my inspiration for Monday’s post. And she gave me her permission to share it. Feel free to print it out, stick it all over your room, and hand it out to every single person you know.

Godly affection glorifies God. It is pure.

Godly affection does not question or compromise our values.

Godly affection doesn’t encourage desire.

Godly affection doesn’t engage in impure contact. It doesn’t have to be physical.

Godly affection reminds of me Christ. It is an arrow to God.

If we question whether or not we’ve gone too far, we’ve gone too far.

If it sounds wrong or we question it being wrong, it’s wrong.

If we feel guilty, we’re guilty, we’ve gone too far, and we need to repent.

Affection that makes us think of something more only leads to what is more.

Most importantly, the bottom line is that Godly affection glorifies Christ without question.

The guy she is dating had to agree to this before the relationship could continue. That’s one wise tough girl.